I have shifted to the Eleventh floor of the Hotel, and my oh my, is the view worth it. I can see above and beyond the town, and I can see the vast expanses of European countryside stretch out into a far horizon. Thankfully the sky is clear today, the approach of spring has given a nice green backdrop to the sins of this town. I find myself confusing the terms “town and city” far too many times, and I hope I can be forgiven. I’ve been forgiven for massive fuck-ups, why not this one?
I took a walk around the Town’s Square earlier today and found joyful faces everywhere. This is fairly consistent with Saturdays and the best part was the innocent joy that children felt. I could see them laughing and playing, and I longed for a child of my own.
That thought of fatherhood is a dangerous one. It is dangerous, reckless and irresponsible. The last thing I want is to impregnate someone and have to be a father. The last thing I want on my hands is a snivelling, mewling and puking child. The last thing I want to do is to ruin my own life by giving birth (or aiding in the birth of) another life. I can barely hold together my own life. I don’t want children. I don’t like them and I will be damned if I become a father.
Well, time for another rethink.
Cock-blocked as I am because of my unavailability and my general self, I think that even considering the idea that I’ll ever even go to bed with someone is too much of a liberty. I get checked out by women alright, get flirted with and get groped (sometimes, it happens to men as well) and yet, I am completely confident of the fact that I am not going to get laid very soon. Prostitutes aren’t my thing, bars disgust me with their smell, and I dare not get into a relationship with my colleagues. The only women, thus left, are those in the age bracket of 23 onward, and belong to various professions. There is the Lecturer herself, the Receptionist, the Waitress and now the Lab Technician. They are all older, likely married or in a relationship, and yet, they are the only ones available.
I am not at a loss for choice. Loose women can be found at the Town Square, looking for hookups. These are the dancer types, but one look at my body, and they’ll run. Under the cover of darkness, though, these things don’t matter. The cloak of darkness is an exotic cover for trysts. Especially for trysts with a lone foreigner.