People have receded into blurs in my vision. They are just blurs of undefined edges that I don’t care anything about. I find myself taking lonely walks to my hotel (where I live) in between classes only because I want to give myself some “me” time. I hold nothing against society, but I am too strung up with the contact of other people during lecture halls.
Today, I sat in an empty lecture hall, earphones in my ears, Hozier’s “Jackie and Wilson” played and I sat in isolated peace. I felt my turmoil subside as I sat on a seat, letting my thoughts settle into nothingness. I missed the Lecturer, because I don’t have her class today, and I didn’t want the company of the Waitress either. The minutes went by peacefully till I woke from a trance-like state to see a girl, covered in a black hoodie, wave to me as she and her friend made their way to the back of the lecture hall. I don’t know who this girl was, and I didn’t know her name, although I had seen her in the hall before. I was taken back, and waved in a sort of limp way, and smiled. Now, my smile is not one of those pleasant, I-am-genuinely-happy, movements of the muscles of my face. It is an ugly grimace like expression which gives off the feeling that I am in the middle of getting a kick in the balls. I have tried mastering it by smiling stupidly at my reflection, but I can’t get rid of it. I have the smug look of a self-absorbed prick and that is not going away very soon.
Part of the problem of my inability to have a winning smile is the simple and unalterable fact that I am self-absorbed prick. Talking to my ex will not give you results because she is a whore, and a manipulative bitch who broke my heart. She claims to be in love with me while she holds hands with another man. I spit at her memory and decency be damned. My ex is a liar, and probably suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, and I’ll be damned if I have to ever talk to her again. She texted me a month ago, and like the swine that I no doubt am, replied, carried on the conversation, reciprocated the sordid “I love You”s. I’ve never lied so much in my life. Its only my inability to tell people to fuck off that saves my reputation.
Anyways, this girl waved at me and I smiled back. She left the lecture hall and went outside. Her friend joined her. After a minute or two I decided to go out for a walk and some fresh air when I see her. She is shy and giggles uncontrollably. The two of them walk out of the University’s gate and I watch them recede into blurs. I pace outside, my face goes numb and the wind screws up my hairstyle, but I am happy.
A few minutes later, she returns and skips around in some puddles in front of the lecture. She is bounding with happiness, and I am surprised. I haven’t seen such happiness on one person before. She breezes through the door and her embarrassed friend follows her. I stand there just wondering.